Connection for surgeons

Surgeons can struggle with relationships, for various reasons. However, resilience is between us, not only within us. Explore how to defend connection, and why it’s important.

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Lilli Cooper’s no fluff newsletter.

Helping surgeons perform, and feel, better.

Lilli Cooper’s no fluff newsletter.

Helping surgeons perform, and feel, better.

Lilli Cooper’s no fluff newsletter.

Helping surgeons perform, and feel, better.

Humans are social animals

In our evolutionary past, belonging to, and being valued within, our social group really was a matter of life and death, and we are still wired to feel that way.

Relationships can be hard to maintain in busy jobs like surgery, but they are essential for our resilience and well-being. In the words of Dr Olivia Donnelly: “Resilience is between us, not only within us”.

Humans are social animals

In our evolutionary past, belonging to, and being valued within, our social group really was a matter of life and death, and we are still wired to feel that way.

Relationships can be hard to maintain in busy jobs like surgery, but they are essential for our resilience and well-being. In the words of Dr Olivia Donnelly: “Resilience is between us, not only within us”.

Humans are social animals

In our evolutionary past, belonging to, and being valued within, our social group really was a matter of life and death, and we are still wired to feel that way.

Relationships can be hard to maintain in busy jobs like surgery, but they are essential for our resilience and well-being. In the words of Dr Olivia Donnelly: “Resilience is between us, not only within us”.

Key insights:

Surgical training and practice can place significant strain on personal relationships.

The quality of our close relationships is one of the most important aspects of human wellbeing and, interestingly, longevity.

Not only romantic partnerships, but friendships, social connections in families and communities, and with pets all count.

Loneliness, a subjective experience that can happen when alone or in company, is considered worse for your health than smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

Oxytocin, released through physical touch, eye contact, social connection, self compassion and shared experiences can mitigate cortisol and increase trust.

Higher oxytocin levels are associated with enhanced individual and team performance in competitive sport.

Many people say one of their greatest regrets is not spending enough time with people they love.

References:

  • Seidenstein AH et al. The Impact of Surgical Training on Residents' Relationships and Life Choices. J Surg Educ. 2024;81(10):1383-93

  • The Harvard study of Adult Development. 1938 - ongoing. Information at: adultdevelopmentstudy.org

  • Holt-Lunstad J et al. Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine 2010(7):e1000316

  • La Fratta I et al. Salivary oxytocin, cognitive anxiety and self-confidence in pre-competition athletes. Sci Rep 2021;11:16877

  • Pepping G-J, Timmermans EJ. Oxytocin and the biopsychology of performance in team sports. Sci World J 2012:567373

  • Ware B. The top five regrets of the dying: A life transformed by the dearly departing (2nd Ed.) 2019: Hay House UK

Key insights:

Surgical training and practice can place significant strain on personal relationships.

The quality of our close relationships is one of the most important aspects of human wellbeing and, interestingly, longevity.

Not only romantic partnerships, but friendships, social connections in families and communities, and with pets all count.

Loneliness, a subjective experience that can happen when alone or in company, is considered worse for your health than smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

Oxytocin, released through physical touch, eye contact, social connection, self compassion and shared experiences can mitigate cortisol and increase trust.

Higher oxytocin levels are associated with enhanced individual and team performance in competitive sport.

Many people say one of their greatest regrets is not spending enough time with people they love.

References:

  • Seidenstein AH et al. The Impact of Surgical Training on Residents' Relationships and Life Choices. J Surg Educ. 2024;81(10):1383-93

  • The Harvard study of Adult Development. 1938 - ongoing. Information at: adultdevelopmentstudy.org

  • Holt-Lunstad J et al. Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine 2010(7):e1000316

  • La Fratta I et al. Salivary oxytocin, cognitive anxiety and self-confidence in pre-competition athletes. Sci Rep 2021;11:16877

  • Pepping G-J, Timmermans EJ. Oxytocin and the biopsychology of performance in team sports. Sci World J 2012:567373

  • Ware B. The top five regrets of the dying: A life transformed by the dearly departing (2nd Ed.) 2019: Hay House UK

Key insights:

Surgical training and practice can place significant strain on personal relationships.

The quality of our close relationships is one of the most important aspects of human wellbeing and, interestingly, longevity.

Not only romantic partnerships, but friendships, social connections in families and communities, and with pets all count.

Loneliness, a subjective experience that can happen when alone or in company, is considered worse for your health than smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

Oxytocin, released through physical touch, eye contact, social connection, self compassion and shared experiences can mitigate cortisol and increase trust.

Higher oxytocin levels are associated with enhanced individual and team performance in competitive sport.

Many people say one of their greatest regrets is not spending enough time with people they love.

References:

  • Seidenstein AH et al. The Impact of Surgical Training on Residents' Relationships and Life Choices. J Surg Educ. 2024;81(10):1383-93

  • The Harvard study of Adult Development. 1938 - ongoing. Information at: adultdevelopmentstudy.org

  • Holt-Lunstad J et al. Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine 2010(7):e1000316

  • La Fratta I et al. Salivary oxytocin, cognitive anxiety and self-confidence in pre-competition athletes. Sci Rep 2021;11:16877

  • Pepping G-J, Timmermans EJ. Oxytocin and the biopsychology of performance in team sports. Sci World J 2012:567373

  • Ware B. The top five regrets of the dying: A life transformed by the dearly departing (2nd Ed.) 2019: Hay House UK

On your commute?

Related material to listen to here

On your commute?

Related material to listen to here

On your commute?

Related material to listen to here

Perspective shift

“Have you ever cancelled a friend for a meeting?
When did you last cancel a meeting for a friend?”

Simon Sinek

Perspective shift

“Have you ever cancelled a friend for a meeting?
When did you last cancel a meeting for a friend?”

Simon Sinek

Perspective shift

“Have you ever cancelled a friend for a meeting?
When did you last cancel a meeting for a friend?”

Simon Sinek

Did you knowse...

Even having a smartphone visible on the table between you can reduce the quality of connection?

Did you
knowse...

Even having a smartphone visible on the table between you can reduce the quality of connection?

Did you knowse...

Even having a smartphone visible on the table between you can reduce the quality of connection?

Listen to the expert

Intimacy for surgeons with Jodie Milton:

Jodie Milton is a relationship and intimacy coach and co-creator of Practical Intimacy - a relationship blog with over 50K monthly readers.

She works alongside her husband, Reece, helping singles and couples to create connected relationships and deeply fulfilling lives. Since 2014 they’ve coached hundreds of couples and helped over 2 million readers with their unique approach to modern relationships, working with everyone from YouTube celebrities and Silicon Valley CEOs to stay-at-home parents and newlyweds. With Level 1 Certification in Gottman Therapy Method and training in a wide range of modalities, their work has featured in The New York Times, Bustle, Cosmopolitan and more.

Listen to expert conversation here

Listen to the expert

Intimacy for surgeons with Jodie Milton:

Jodie Milton is a relationship and intimacy coach and co-creator of Practical Intimacy - a relationship blog with over 50K monthly readers.

She works alongside her husband, Reece, helping singles and couples to create connected relationships and deeply fulfilling lives. Since 2014 they’ve coached hundreds of couples and helped over 2 million readers with their unique approach to modern relationships, working with everyone from YouTube celebrities and Silicon Valley CEOs to stay-at-home parents and newlyweds. With Level 1 Certification in Gottman Therapy Method and training in a wide range of modalities, their work has featured in The New York Times, Bustle, Cosmopolitan and more.

Listen to expert conversation here

Listen to the expert

Intimacy for surgeons with Jodie Milton:

Jodie Milton is a relationship and intimacy coach and co-creator of Practical Intimacy - a relationship blog with over 50K monthly readers.

She works alongside her husband, Reece, helping singles and couples to create connected relationships and deeply fulfilling lives. Since 2014 they’ve coached hundreds of couples and helped over 2 million readers with their unique approach to modern relationships, working with everyone from YouTube celebrities and Silicon Valley CEOs to stay-at-home parents and newlyweds. With Level 1 Certification in Gottman Therapy Method and training in a wide range of modalities, their work has featured in The New York Times, Bustle, Cosmopolitan and more.

Listen to expert conversation here

Good Thinking

“Friendship is based on the oldest and most intrinsic human awareness that there is more to life than just ourselves.”

Christopher Hansard

Good Thinking

“Friendship is based on the oldest and most intrinsic human awareness that there is more to life than just ourselves.”

Christopher Hansard

Good Thinking

“Friendship is based on the oldest and most intrinsic human awareness that there is more to life than just ourselves.”

Christopher Hansard

Further reading

‘Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect’.

I really enjoyed this book by Matthew D Lieberman. Find links to this and other related reading material.

View here

Further reading

‘Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect’.

I really enjoyed this book by Matthew D Lieberman. Find links to this and other related reading material.

View here

Further reading

‘Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect’.

I really enjoyed this book by Matthew D Lieberman. Find links to this and other related reading material.

View here

Featured resources

Below are a few (affiliation-free) resources that might help support intimacy and connection.

Intimacy quiz from Practical Intimacy:

What intimacy type are you and how can you get more of that in your relationship?

Take this quiz

Sometimes, connecting is easier side-by-side:

Here are some conversation prompts for walks written by the team at Self Space.

Find prompts here

Tiny Human Things!

Find out more about awe and its links to human connection with my new podcast pilot.

Listen to podcast

Featured resources

Below are a few (affiliation-free) resources that might help support intimacy and connection.

Intimacy quiz from Practical Intimacy:

What intimacy type are you and how can you get more of that in your relationship?

Take this quiz

Sometimes, connecting is easier side-by-side:

Here are some conversation prompts for walks written by the team at Self Space.

Find prompts here

Tiny Human Things!

Find out more about awe and its links to human connection with my new podcast pilot.

Listen to podcast

Featured resources

Below are a few (affiliation-free) resources that might help support intimacy and connection.

Intimacy quiz from Practical Intimacy:

What intimacy type are you and how can you get more of that in your relationship?

Take this quiz

Sometimes, connecting is easier side-by-side:

Here are some conversation prompts for walks written by the team at Self Space.

Find prompts here

Tiny Human Things!

Find out more about awe and its links to human connection with my new podcast pilot.

Listen to podcast

Low hanging fruit:

Do try this at home

Spend more time with people you love.

Who do you love to spend time with? What are the social situations that nourish you and make you feel good about yourself? Catch ups with one or two others?
A meal with a group of friends? Big social events?
Shared experiences, activities or sports?

How can you prioritise that more? Maybe book in one of those in per week?

And how can you optimise the quality of your connection when you get there?
A good option is to make it phone-free.

Low hanging fruit:

Do try this at home

Spend more time with people you love.

Who do you love to spend time with? What are the social situations that nourish you and make you feel good about yourself? Catch ups with one or two others?
A meal with a group of friends? Big social events?
Shared experiences, activities or sports?

How can you prioritise that more? Maybe book in one of those in per week?

And how can you optimise the quality of your connection when you get there?
A good option is to make it phone-free.

Low hanging fruit:

Do try this at home

Spend more time with people you love.

Who do you love to spend time with? What are the social situations that nourish you and make you feel good about yourself? Catch ups with one or two others?
A meal with a group of friends? Big social events?
Shared experiences, activities or sports?

How can you prioritise that more? Maybe book in one of those in per week?

And how can you optimise the quality of your connection when you get there?
A good option is to make it phone-free.

Fancy a takeaway?

Download a home exercise

Fancy a takeaway?

Download a home exercise

Fancy a takeaway?

Download a home exercise

Got 5 minutes?

In the coffee queue?
Or waiting for the patient?

Most of us are comfortable with going on a static bike or running machine to exercise, rather than go from a to b, but few of us connect with others just for connection’s sake. For a bit of oxy-dosin’, if you will!

Put your phone away and connect with someone. Ask them how they are, or what they’re up to. Thank them, give them a hand, or tell them something you appreciate about them. Shoot the breeze.

If you don’t feel like face-to-face contact, think about someone you love, or send them a message. Or think of something you're grateful for, or proud of, about yourself.

Find out more here

Got 5 minutes?

In the coffee queue?
Or waiting for the patient?

Most of us are comfortable with going on a static bike or running machine to exercise, rather than go from a to b, but few of us connect with others just for connection’s sake. For a bit of oxy-dosin’, if you will!

Put your phone away and connect with someone. Ask them how they are, or what they’re up to. Thank them, give them a hand, or tell them something you appreciate about them. Shoot the breeze.

If you don’t feel like face-to-face contact, think about someone you love, or send them a message. Or think of something you're grateful for, or proud of, about yourself.

Find out more here

Got 5 minutes?

In the coffee queue?
Or waiting for the patient?

Most of us are comfortable with going on a static bike or running machine to exercise, rather than go from a to b, but few of us connect with others just for connection’s sake. For a bit of oxy-dosin’, if you will!

Put your phone away and connect with someone. Ask them how they are, or what they’re up to. Thank them, give them a hand, or tell them something you appreciate about them. Shoot the breeze.

If you don’t feel like face-to-face contact, think about someone you love, or send them a message. Or think of something you're grateful for, or proud of, about yourself.

Find out more here

This course is still available – but this offer has expired. Subscribe to the newsletter for exclusive discounts.

July 2025

Self-directed Optimising Performance for Surgeons course

Goes live in July and I’m looking for 5 testers at 50% off

Email me if you’re interested: 6 weeks of self-directed content, plus two 1:1 coaching sessions for £150.

Explore course

This course is still available – but this offer has expired. Subscribe to the newsletter for exclusive discounts.

July 2025

Self-directed Optimising Performance for Surgeons course

Goes live in July and I’m looking for 5 testers at 50% off

Email me if you’re interested: 6 weeks of self-directed content, plus two 1:1 coaching sessions for £150.

Explore course

This course is still available – but this offer has expired. Subscribe to the newsletter for exclusive discounts.

July 2025

Self-directed Optimising Performance for Surgeons course

Goes live in July and I’m looking for 5 testers at 50% off

Email me if you’re interested: 6 weeks of self-directed content, plus two 1:1 coaching sessions for £150.

Explore course

The next newsletter will be about Productivity

Submit any questions here

The next newsletter will be about Productivity

Submit any questions here

The next newsletter will be about Productivity

Submit any questions here

Who is Lilli?

A surgeon by background and also a professional coach.

This newsletter aims to share relevant, concise tips to help surgeons perform, and feel, better.

Thanks for being here — feel free to message with thoughts, suggestions, or just to say hi.

Who is Lilli?

A surgeon by background and also a professional coach.

This newsletter aims to share relevant, concise tips to help surgeons perform, and feel, better.

Thanks for being here — feel free to message with thoughts, suggestions, or just to say hi.

Who is Lilli?

A surgeon by background and also a professional coach.

This newsletter aims to share relevant, concise tips to help surgeons perform, and feel, better.

Thanks for being here — feel free to message with thoughts, suggestions, or just to say hi.

Disclaimer: This newsletter is provided for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice or professional services. The information shared should not be used for diagnosing or treating any health conditions. For personalised medical advice, please consult with a licensed healthcare professional.

Disclaimer: This newsletter is provided for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice or professional services. The information shared should not be used for diagnosing or treating any health conditions. For personalised medical advice, please consult with a licensed healthcare professional.

Disclaimer: This newsletter is provided for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice or professional services. The information shared should not be used for diagnosing or treating any health conditions. For personalised medical advice, please consult with a licensed healthcare professional.

Sign up for Lilli's Newsletter

A monthly letter sharing insights, reflections, and resources for clinicians and high stakes professionals who want to perform or feel better, or both!

Thoughtful content, no spam. Unsubscribe anytime.

Sign up for Lilli's Newsletter

A monthly letter sharing insights, reflections, and resources for clinicians and high stakes professionals who want to perform or feel better, or both!

Thoughtful content, no spam. Unsubscribe anytime.

Sign up for Lilli's Newsletter

A monthly letter sharing insights, reflections, and resources for clinicians and high stakes professionals who want to perform or feel better, or both!

Thoughtful content, no spam. Unsubscribe anytime.

Supporting healthcare professionals to thrive through evidence-based resources, coaching, and community.

lilli@lillicooper.co.uk

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All Rights Reserved